When you have to work with someone you don’t like or respect, every clash seems critical, but be thoughtful about picking your battles.Dmitriy Shironosov/Getty s/iStockphoto
A client, co-worker, employee, or even a boss for whom you have little professional respect makes it difficult to stay motivated and get things done. But the reality is that you may have to work with, or for, people that you find difficult, distasteful or downright unbearable.
While it is certainly easier to work alongside those you like, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you can only do a good job if you respect your workmates. You can function effectively with (almost) anyone if you keep just a few things in mind.
First, it is okay to not like everyone: Start by accepting (at least to yourself) that, while you disagree, holding back your own judgments on right versus wrong can lessen the strong emotions tied to this difficult relationship. Acknowledge that you both can have different viewpoints on the same situation.
Don’t disengage: A natural reaction when you don’t respect someone is to reduce the level of interaction with the person, but that’s the opposite of what you should be doing. If this is a co-worker, an employee, or particularly your boss, then it’s still necessary to maintain an ongoing relationship. So, continue to interact at an operational level – ask questions, communicate information, meet as required – but know deep down that you don’t have to achieve a meaningful or long-term connection.
Maintain your professionalism: Don’t let your dislike reflect badly on you. Remember, this is not high school, it’s a workplace. Talking trash about a client or your boss at the water cooler will only make you look immature and unprofessional. Far better to vent your frustration to a spouse, trusted friend or adviser outside the workplace. And keep the witty asides to a minimum. You may think they’re amusing, but all you’re really doing is devaluing your credibility and your impact. Making the effort to be pleasant will do far more to build your professional reputation.
Widen your perspective: A broader view can often give alternate insights. Ask yourself why this individual behaves or acts in ways that causes contempt. What situation or internal shortcoming might cause your boss to always fly off the handle? Or your staff member to always get defensive? Or your client to immediately expect the worst outcome? Often, other people’s objectionable behaviour is more a reaction to their own circumstances than to something you might have said or done. Whether your co-worker is a jerk or just inept, some people are just not worth your energy. So step back and focus your effort on yourself and your job.
Choose the hill to die on: When you have to work with someone you don’t like or respect, every clash seems critical, but be thoughtful about picking your battles. Not everything is worth the same time and attention. Always ask yourself – do I have more to lose than win? It may be in your best interest to tolerate a person if it serves you better to let the situation slide.
Create a support structure: Speaking of picking your battles, don’t go to war alone. Seek out trusted individuals you can vent to, who will offer perspectives and brainstorm alternative solutions about your difficult person. Dependable advisers can bolster your confidence and resilience. Ideally, you want people who are outside your immediate work environment, or else you run the risk of being viewed as a complainer or a gossip.
Focus on the business at hand: At the end of the day, respecting the people you work with (or for) is peripheral to getting results. You are there to get a job done, and so are they. So focus on the outcome. When you stay connected to your own sense of purpose – what you do and why it matters – it makes the interpersonal relationships secondary.
The reality is that sometimes you’re just going to have to work with people you don’t like and respect – it’s all part of being an adult in the world of work. Accept it, prepare for it, handle it with poise and equanimity, get your work done, and move forward.
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Having to collaborate with a colleague you don’t respect can be very challenging. It may hinder teamwork and even negatively impact your performance. However, maintaining professionalism is essential. With the right strategies, you can engage constructively and accomplish shared goals.
Examine The Root Causes
Reflect on what specifically is causing the lack of respect. Is it:
- Work ethic and reliability – e.g. they miss deadlines
- Competence and skills – e.g. they lack necessary expertise
- Attitude and behavior – e.g. they are condescending
- Values and ethics – e.g. they have engaged in misconduct
Understanding the precise issues helps you manage interactions accordingly to remain productive,
Adopt a Professional Mindset
You may not respect the person but you likely still respect the role they hold in the organizational hierarchy. Maintain formality by
- Using proper titles and surnames
- Following appropriate channels of communication
- Employing standard professional etiquette
Keep exchanges cordial Take the high road even if they behave unprofessionally,
Establish Boundaries
Limit interactions with the person to only business-critical contacts. Schedule meetings only when required for a specific purpose. Keep exchanges brief and focused just on the task or project at hand.
Set clear boundaries to avoid unnecessary friction. Say no to non-essential requests if possible.
Document Thoroughly
Follow up any verbal discussions with emails summarizing key details, deliverables, decisions etc. This paper trail protects you if disputes arise regarding who is accountable for what.
Also keep your own record of notable interactions for reference. However, avoid venting negatively in writing.
Find Ways to Work Independently
See if there are parts of projects you can manage yourself without collaborating directly with the person. Present your work mostly through email versus in-person.
Look for opportunities to have less frequent contact if the dynamic is not improving.
Focus on Shared Goals
At the end of the day, you likely have shared objectives like serving customers or hitting targets. Keep conversations centered around how to achieve these goals despite your differences.
Highlight where you have alignment on work products or priorities rather than digging into interpersonal friction.
Manage Up Respectfully
Your shared manager can help mitigate issues. However, avoid venting or attacking the other person. Instead, focus the discussion on how the manager can empower you to work around clashes.
Frame requests from a lens of enabling you to succeed despite the challenges with your colleague.
Emotional Detachment
Practice not taking their actions personally. Recognize their shortcomings likely stem from their own issues like insecurity, disorganization etc.
Do not stoop to unprofessional behavior even if they do. Take pride in your own integrity.
Pick Your Battles
Not every point of disagreement is worth an argument. Let minor slights or conflicts go to avoid escalating tensions.
However, speak up constructively on issues that truly impact your work or the business. Discern when to assert yourself versus when to conserve energy.
With the right mindset and tactics, you can establish a functional working dynamic focused on accomplishing objectives. This not only demonstrates emotional maturity on your part, but preserves your own reputation and effectiveness.
How to Determine if You Should Speak to Your Manager About a Colleague You Don’t Respect
Attempting to resolve conflicts directly with colleagues you don’t respect can be an exercise in frustration. In many cases, the more pragmatic approach is to seek guidance from your shared manager once you have made a reasonable effort to work constructively on your own. Consider the following signs it may be time to escalate:
- Your ability to complete your own work is impaired by their behaviors
- They refuse to collaborate or communicate effectively
- They speak about you negatively to others
- They take credit for your contributions
- Their actions violate company policy or ethics
- Your attempts to provide constructive feedback are ignored
- The dynamic is causing significant stress or dread
Keep in mind that involving your boss is not about getting the colleague in trouble, but about enabling you to remain productive. Focus the conversation on:
- How the behaviors specifically hinder your ability to do your job effectively
- Backing up your concerns with concrete examples
- What steps you’ve already taken to improve the dynamic
- What guidance you need from your manager on working around the behaviors
Avoid emotionally venting. Frame your concerns objectively around business impact. Suggest remedies like shifting responsibilities or increased oversight. Demonstrate you are committed to finding solutions.
With guidance from your boss, the working relationship may improve over time. Or, responsibilities may be restructured to minimize friction. Handled sensitively, you can get support to succeed in a difficult situation.
How to Have a Constructive Conversation With a Colleague You’ve Lost Respect For
If a relationship with a colleague has become strained, but you want to work to improve it, consider requesting a one-on-one meeting in a private setting. Avoid putting them on the defensive. Use “I” statements focused on your desire to enhance teamwork.
- “I want us to collaborate more effectively together, how do you think we can do that?”
- “I feel we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot, but I think with better communication we can have a fresh start.”
Listen to their perspective and identify shared goals you can rally around, like delivering an important project. Suggest sitting down to map out how each of your roles contribute to the end result.
If specific behaviors are impacting you, raise them constructively:
- “When we miss meetings it creates delays, how can we avoid that?”
- “I know you have a lot of experience in this area, I’d benefit from your expertise here.”
Rather than criticize, get their input on resolving issues:
- “Do you think a weekly status report could help keep everything on track?”
- “Is there something I can do to help prioritize the most urgent requests?”
Close by expressing appreciation for their willingness to communicate openly and reset the tone. With humility and focus on solutions, you can get the relationship to a more functional, business-focused place.
Ways to Regain Respect for a Coworker You Have Lost Faith In
Having a lack of respect for a colleague not only stalls teamwork, it can breed resentment and contempt if left unchecked. For your own well-being, it is worth trying to regain respect by:
Examining your part of the dynamic:
- Could any of your own behaviors or bias have contributed?
- Are you overly focused on their flaws versus strengths?
- Does the conflict reflect differences in working styles?
Looking for opportunities to recognize their value:
- Note times when they do contribute expertise or insight
- Express appreciation for instances of good teamwork
- Identify their skills complementary to your own
Learning more about their perspective:
- Have an open discussion to understand their challenges
- Consider any cultural gaps clouding your view of their work
- Get to know them better as a person versus just an employee
Letting minor issues go:
- Recognize everyone has weaknesses and limitations
- Focus on if they are supporting the team’s overall goals
- Don’t pick fights over inevitable disagreements
Enlisting help from your manager:
- Ask for guidance in improving rapport
- Work together to establish ground rules for communication
- Involve your boss in resets when needed
With time and intention, you may be able to move beyond initial frustrations and find value in a colleague you once lacked faith in. An improved relationship greatly benefits you both.
Tips for Having a Positive Mindset When Working With Someone You Don’t Respect
Working with someone you don’t respect can negatively impact your motivation. However, you have control over your own mindset and responses. Some ways to maintain positivity:
Practice empathy
Try to understand their likely challenges and pressures that may explain difficult behaviors. Recognize their flaws don’t completely define them.
Focus on learning
View it as an opportunity to build patience, emotional control, and conflict resolution skills. Reflect on what the experience can teach you.
Establish strong boundaries
Limit exposure to their most negative behaviors by restricting unnecessary interactions. Protect your energy.
Control your reactions
You cannot force them to act differently but you can control how much power you give them over your emotions.
Highlight your own strengths
Remember your talents, skills and values unrelated to the difficult colleague. Stay grounded in your self-confidence.
Maintain optimism
Believe that with effort and guidance from your manager, the situation can improve over time. Look for signs of progress.
Avoid judgment
Blaming or attacking the person will not help. Have compassion that everyone is coping and may have underlying reasons for their conduct.
With self-awareness and intention, you can mitigate the negativity of the situation. Stay solution-focused and believe things can get better. Don’t let it overly damage your spirit.
How to Regain Respect for a Coworker Who Has Lost Your Trust
Having a team member betray
Latest in How to work with someone you don’t respect
When you have to work with someone you don’t like or respect, every clash seems critical, but be thoughtful about picking your battles.Dmitriy Shironosov/Getty s/iStockphoto
A client, co-worker, employee, or even a boss for whom you have little professional respect makes it difficult to stay motivated and get things done. But the reality is that you may have to work with, or for, people that you find difficult, distasteful or downright unbearable.
While it is certainly easier to work alongside those you like, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you can only do a good job if you respect your workmates. You can function effectively with (almost) anyone if you keep just a few things in mind.
First, it is okay to not like everyone: Start by accepting (at least to yourself) that, while you disagree, holding back your own judgments on right versus wrong can lessen the strong emotions tied to this difficult relationship. Acknowledge that you both can have different viewpoints on the same situation.
Don’t disengage: A natural reaction when you don’t respect someone is to reduce the level of interaction with the person, but that’s the opposite of what you should be doing. If this is a co-worker, an employee, or particularly your boss, then it’s still necessary to maintain an ongoing relationship. So, continue to interact at an operational level – ask questions, communicate information, meet as required – but know deep down that you don’t have to achieve a meaningful or long-term connection.
Maintain your professionalism: Don’t let your dislike reflect badly on you. Remember, this is not high school, it’s a workplace. Talking trash about a client or your boss at the water cooler will only make you look immature and unprofessional. Far better to vent your frustration to a spouse, trusted friend or adviser outside the workplace. And keep the witty asides to a minimum. You may think they’re amusing, but all you’re really doing is devaluing your credibility and your impact. Making the effort to be pleasant will do far more to build your professional reputation.
Widen your perspective: A broader view can often give alternate insights. Ask yourself why this individual behaves or acts in ways that causes contempt. What situation or internal shortcoming might cause your boss to always fly off the handle? Or your staff member to always get defensive? Or your client to immediately expect the worst outcome? Often, other people’s objectionable behaviour is more a reaction to their own circumstances than to something you might have said or done. Whether your co-worker is a jerk or just inept, some people are just not worth your energy. So step back and focus your effort on yourself and your job.
Choose the hill to die on: When you have to work with someone you don’t like or respect, every clash seems critical, but be thoughtful about picking your battles. Not everything is worth the same time and attention. Always ask yourself – do I have more to lose than win? It may be in your best interest to tolerate a person if it serves you better to let the situation slide.
Create a support structure: Speaking of picking your battles, don’t go to war alone. Seek out trusted individuals you can vent to, who will offer perspectives and brainstorm alternative solutions about your difficult person. Dependable advisers can bolster your confidence and resilience. Ideally, you want people who are outside your immediate work environment, or else you run the risk of being viewed as a complainer or a gossip.
Focus on the business at hand: At the end of the day, respecting the people you work with (or for) is peripheral to getting results. You are there to get a job done, and so are they. So focus on the outcome. When you stay connected to your own sense of purpose – what you do and why it matters – it makes the interpersonal relationships secondary.
The reality is that sometimes you’re just going to have to work with people you don’t like and respect – it’s all part of being an adult in the world of work. Accept it, prepare for it, handle it with poise and equanimity, get your work done, and move forward.
Stay ahead in your career. We have a weekly Careers newsletter to give you guidance and tips on career management, leadership, business education and more. Sign up today.Please enable JavaScript to view this content.
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How To Win With People You Don’t Like – Jocko Willink
What if you don’t respect someone?
“Don’t ask questions you can answer yourself, don’t plan meetings that you don’t need, and don’t take forever getting back to people,” says Erin Greenwald in an article for the Daily Muse. In this case, the opposite is also true: when you don’t respect someone, you don’t see their time as valuable.
What can one do to get someone to get help when they refuse to acknowledge they have a problem?
Mental health issues are best sorted by a proper and effective counseling session. When someone feels that they are completely alright and others say the opposite, he/she should seek the help of a counsellor. A professionalised personal in these kind of scenarios like that of a counsellor can help them the most.
How do you deal with someone who doesn’t respect you?
Dealing with someone who doesn’t respect you can make you question your self-worth. However, it’s crucial to remember that you are valuable and deserving of respect. Don’t let anyone else’s actions define your worth. 4. Don’t Engage in an Argument If the person tries to engage in an argument or belittle you, do not engage with their behavior.
Do you have to agree with someone you don’t respect?
The way we learn to have crucial conversations with people who have beliefs or behavior we don’t respect is by doing the opposite—look for commonality. Rather than focusing on or emphasizing differences, search for and seize upon any bit of commonality you may share. Does this mean you have to agree with the other person? No.
