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It seems I was not born with that trait, and throughout my career I’ve struggled with receiving feedback, even when it was entirely accurate. The moment I hear the words, my heartbeat quickens and my mind begins to race—first in search of an explanation for the assault on my person and then for a retort to rationalize whatever actions are in question.
Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, many of us react with defensiveness and anger or—even worse—attack the person giving feedback. But the truth is, we need to get over it. We know there’s value in constructive criticism—how else would we identify weaknesses only help us maintain relationships and be more successful in everything we do.
So how do you learn to back off the defensive? The next time you receive constructive criticism from your manager or a peer, use this six-step process to handle the encounter with tact and grace.
Let’s be honest – no one really enjoys being criticized. Negative feedback can sting and provoke emotions like defensiveness anger or discouragement. But developing the ability to accept constructive criticism with an open mind can help you become a better, more successful person. When handled well, constructive feedback provides insights that allow you to improve performance, skills, and relationships.
Constructive criticism identifies issues or problems but with the intent of helping you grow. It’s focused on observations, not judgments about you as a person. Here are some top tips to embrace criticism and use it to get better.
Avoid Immediate Reactions – Take Time to Reflect
It’s natural to feel defensive when presented with criticism. Knee-jerk reactions often lead to poor responses that fail to absorb the wisdom offered. Fight the urge to reply immediately. Instead, thank the person and let them know you need time to properly consider their input.
Take a break to calm emotions and reflect on the critique objectively. Jot down your thoughts privately to process them. Circle back once you can discuss it rationally. Delaying your response demonstrates maturity and professionalism.
Remind Yourself: Criticism Helps You Improve
To benefit from feedback, adopt a growth mindset. View criticism as an opportunity to develop, not a personal attack. Remind yourself that no one is perfect and we all have areas to improve. The desire for self-improvement is a valuable trait.
Also recognize that the critic wants you to get better. They are taking time to provide feedback because they believe in your potential. This positive intent makes it easier to hear hard truths with an open mind.
Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
When discussing criticism, your goal should be understanding, not rebuttal. Listen patiently without interruption. Pay attention to nonverbal cues. Ask clarifying questions if needed. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
Focus on comprehending what is said, not preparing counterarguments. You’ll gain more insights by listening actively versus thinking of how to defend yourself. Understanding leads to growth.
Connect Feedback to Your Role, Not Self-Worth
To avoid taking criticism personally, connect it back to your professional skills or job performance rather than self-identity. Remind yourself that imperfections in your work don’t mean you are worthless as a person.
For example, if told your report contained poor analysis, view this as feedback on how to improve your analytical skills, not as a judgment of your intelligence. Separate your role/actions from your core identity.
Thank the Critic for Investing Time and Effort
Express genuine appreciation for the fact that someone cared enough to provide suggestions for your improvement. Even if delivery wasn’t perfect, the intent was to help you. Thank them for this positive intent and for investing time to contribute feedback.
This simple act of gratitude can go a long way toward building understanding between you and your critic. It sets the tone for a constructive discussion focused on growth.
Ask Questions Rather Than Challenge Feedback
Avoid immediate contradiction or defensiveness. Challenging the person’s perspective will likely provoke emotions and shut down dialog. Instead, ask questions. There may be context or nuance behind the feedback that you need to understand.
- Can you help me understand what leads you to this perspective?
- Is there an example you can share that illustrates your point?
- What would you like to see me do differently?
This shows you are trying to grasp the full picture before determining validity. Demonstrate you value the critic’s input before deciding how to apply it.
Determine What You Can Learn and How to Improve
After fully listening and processing the feedback, reflect carefully on what you can learn. Identify at least one nugget of truth or wisdom you can take away rather than dismissing the entire critique outright.
Then make a plan for improvement. Think through how you will apply these lessons to get better results and avoid making the same mistakes going forward. This proactive approach leads to growth.
Provide Constructive Criticism Respectfully
The tips above focus on receiving criticism, but it’s also important to know how to deliver it effectively. Negative feedback must be communicated thoughtfully if you want the recipient to be receptive.
Here are some best practices for sharing constructive criticism:
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Give feedback promptly. Don’t let issues fester. Provide criticism close to the event for optimal impact.
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Focus on actions, not personality. Comment on behavior tied to job performance rather than personal attributes. Be precise with examples.
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Adopt the appropriate tone. Offer criticism constructively by being gentle but direct. Don’t be condescending or passive aggressive.
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Suggest potential solutions. Don’t just identify problems, propose ways the person can improve. Offer training, resources, or your support.
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Follow up. Circle back after giving someone criticism to see if they have questions and check on progress. Offer encouragement!
The ability to take constructive criticism with grace and humility takes practice. But embracing feedback leads to self-awareness and continuous improvement that can profoundly impact your success and fulfillment. The effort required to overcome initial discomfort pays invaluable dividends.
Remember the Benefit of Getting Feedback
Now, you have a few seconds to quickly remind yourself of the benefits of receiving constructive criticism—namely, to improve your skills, work product, and relationships, and to help you meet the expectations that your manager and others have of you.
You should also try to curtail any reaction you’re having to the person who is delivering the feedback. It can be challenging to receive criticism from a co-worker, a peer, or someone that you don’t fully respect, but, remember: Accurate and constructive feedback comes even from flawed sources.
Say Thank You
Next (and this is a hard part, I know), look the person in the eyes and thank them for sharing feedback with you. Don’t gloss over this—be deliberate, and say, “I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me.”
Expressing appreciation doesn’t have to mean you’re agreeing with the assessment, but it does show that you’re acknowledging the effort your colleague took to evaluate you and share his or her thoughts.
